Saturday, April 25, 2009

Sunglasses on the Subway


No matter how nice the weather is, no matter how out of season the heat wave, nor how hot the local baseball is, under no circumstances are you to wear sunglasses on the goddamn subway! You, no matter who you think you might be, look like a douchebag. A giant fucking douchebag. All those fake D&G sunglasses succeed in doing is providing me two huge targets for the blows I'm about to rain down on your sad little skull.

Just like the huge blows the Blue Jays offense continue raining down on the teams of the American League!!! (East division excepted, that will come in time.) Line. Drive. Lots of them. Three for Vernon Wells (two to the opposite field!!!), two each for Scott Rolen and Marco Scutaro. Travis Snider hit a couple balls hard, pulling a grounder hard through the hole against a tough young lefty. Things are pretty awesome, like a Dad in a Doo-rag. Oh wait, that isn't awesome at all. If you've ever piloted a motor vehicle, it's time to retire the doo-rag, the gigantic Helly Hansen jeans and the Pacific Mall Rolex. If you've worn these things while piloting a motor vehicle equipped with a child seat: call CAS. Do it now.

Tonight the Jays send service-time placeholder and Oakland A in waiting Brian Burres, begging he can keep it within a field goal and eat some innings. The Burres's numbers were bad last year and in the spring, he did sport a nice little spring K/BB 6.50. His AAA rate of 3.50 will send me grasping for more straws than I'm comfortable with. Actually, noticing his terrible strand rate in Vegas (43.5% on the basepaths, 100% in the hotel lobby looking for Valtrex) and his respectable 3.68 FIP and I'm officially ready to be surprised. Positivity is a hell of a thing.

Don't forget to swing by Walkoff Walk this weekend, I'll be doing my thing as best I can over there. I'm liveblogging the Red Sox-Yankees game tomorrow night on the Score. Swing by and tell both teams they suck.

9 comments:

  1. It gets really sunny in the subway.

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  2. Don't these blind assholes realize wearing sunglasses underground is just making it that much harder for them?

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  3. Is it OK to wear sunglasses on the subway if they're prescription sunglasses? I often wear my prescription shades inside just because I don't have room in my pockets for my regular glasses. My wallet and keys take up all the room.

    Scott

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  4. I suppose that's okay, so long as you don't wear the permanent sneer of someone about to get punched.

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  5. I like when you work in social commentary into your posts.

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  6. They wear sunglasses because they are afraid of eye contact. If you look at someone the wrong way on the subway, you get tossed out the doors!

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  7. in fairness, sunglasses on the subway are sure helpful if you're baked and eye contact is freaking you out.

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