Monday in Florida

So the Jays lost to the horrific Pittsburgh Pirates today. A.J. Burnett did his best to get through his outing today, labouring for the better part of it, allowing four runs on four hits while giving up four walks and a grand total of zero strikeouts. Zach Duke, on the other hand, looked solid over five scoreless innings of work. Reed Johnson's ninth inning sacrifice fly kept the Jays from being shutout.

On a sort of positive note, B.J. Ryan pitched a scoreless 6th inning allowing just one hit and striking out one as well. B.J. was quoted as saying he felt pain in his arm and had to pitch through it, though he's still on track to pitch again Thursday. Hopefully this is just part of his recovery process, which I'm sure it is. The Jays bats looked like piss as they only managed to scrounge up five hits on the day. Aaron Hill was one of said Jays to record a hit, and is batting .480 for the spring. He's awesome.

Monday's sure do fucking suck, even if it is St. Patrick's Day.

The Jays are off tomorrow, and face the Red Sox Wednesday at 12:05pm in Fort Myers. Red Sox Nation should be concerned for Josh Beckett. He's a fan of the injury.

Who are they kidding

I sure as fuck can't figure it out. Joe Torre seems to think that "baseball appeals to a broad demographic group and travels well." Me, still not giving a fuck. Los Angeles Dodger chairman, Frank McCourt feels that "this great country is ready to embrace baseball." He probably knows that because he personally surveyed the more than a billion people currently residing in this "great county." Fucking clown, I'm pretty sure most of China could give two shits about your baseball team.

McCourt also hopes the Dodgers are the first into India and other parts of the world. Yeah, I'm quite positive everyone in India is chomping at the bit for the MLB action. I'm all for the growth of baseball and getting as many people to watch and to play the game, but don't fucking sit there and say it isn't for the money. You sure as piss aren't fooling anyone. McCourt was also quoted as saying he was "really impressed by the speed with which things get done in China." This was following completion of the stadium which was built in four and a half hours by a crew of 375,000 workers. I liked Torre's brilliant quote "with the number of people living in China, you know there's got to be a number of potential Major Leaguers".

Current Chinese Population - 1,324,473,496

Idea - Stick to the Osborne...I mean Oscar's

In what must seem shocking to most people, Billy Crystal struck out in his lone at bat today in the Grapefruit league game between the Yankees and Pirates. Dawning a Yankees jersey with the number 60, which is how old he turns on Friday, Crystal did actually manage to make contact with the second of six pitches he saw from Pirates hurler Pat Maholm. Crystal inked a one-day contract with the Yankees a couple days ago with approval from Bud Selig. He led off the bottom half of the first slotted in the lineup as the DH. For some reason he received a standing ovation from the idiotstick fans at Legends field. Crystal actually worked the count to 3-1 before Maholm probably decided to bring the MLB shit refusing to be knowns as the clown who couldn't get Billy Fucking Crystal out. Johnny Damon batted for him in the third bringing an resounding end to Crystal's stellar MLB career. Believe it or not, this whole fiasco was set into motion by none other than Derek Jeter while the two were vacationing in Costa Rica during the off-season. I suppose you could call it a publicity stunt, though I can't imagine what Crystal needs publicity for? I believe the last good movie the guy was in was back in around 1991. I'm pretty sure most you have one of them on VHS or something.

Bottom line is that the New York Yankees are idiots, and this proves it. Maybe the Lakers are thinking about putting Jack Nicholson on the the floor at the three spot in an upcoming game...

Ghostrunning with the Devil - Season Preview - AL West

A simple equation for season preview success:

Uninformed pontificator + hackneyed gimmick - accountability = I'M A GENIUS!

Our gimmick of choice will find us pairing each team with a band/artist from the same area code. The connections will be tenuous at best and derived from my completely arbitrary criteria. Teams are arranged by predicted order of finish, based on nothing approximating math, science or logic.

Well well, we've come to the grown-ups' table. Sort of. The AL West

	California Angels - The Dillinger Escape Plan
	Sure, they're FROM New Jersey. But they have definitely gone LA. DEP write insane, amazing songs and play them at a breakneck speed. Every so often, they'll slow down and bludgeon you with riffery. The Angels (and their myriad of outfielders) run, run and run some more. When they need to, they call in the Big Man to Do Work.
	Seattle Mariners - Tegan and Sara
	My big, greasy, gay boner for Tegan and Sara is exceeded only by my well-established love for Ichiro. The M's pulled the trigger on a big trade to bring in Erik Bedard, breaking every xenophobic Canadian Blue Jay idealist's heart in the process. The Con is solid and approaching great. Nope, they sure won't make out with you. Nope, they sure won't contend for the wildcard.
	Oakland A's - Too $hort
	Rich Harden has the same kind of electric stuff as AJ Burnett but is even less reliable. Combine this with Billy Beane's shrewd yet cruel deals to keep the team young and cheap, and A's fans likely spend a lot more time drinking than they do cheering. There is definitely some real talent here, but I doubt even the manager knows where it is. Uhh, Obvious Too $hort pun? I'll let it go.
	Texas Rangers - Drowning Pool
	A horseshit band for a horseshit team. The rotation is a joke, Michael Young is an All-Star and a leading cause of spilt-milk related tears in Toronto (LaMarcus Aldridge notwithstanding.) Jewel of the Teixeira trade and consonant enthusiast Jarrod Saltalamacchia may not even make the team. Drowning Pool are music at its worst/doucheyest. Wooderson wouldn't be caught dead scalping tickets to one of their half-assed shows.

The Angels are the class of this division, and should be considered legitimate World Series threats. Every time the Jays go west, it seems like a make-or-break road trip. It inevitably breaks. Jamie Campbell gets cranky working so late into the night.

Nobody Knows My Sorrow

The inevitable has happened. The writing is on the wall. Rocco Baldelli is going on the DL (indefinitely) and looks to be done. Finished. And the circumstances couldn't be crappier. No freak collision, no wear-and-tear breakdown. No no, those are too run of the mill for poor, unfortunate Rocco. He won't go down with anything normal, it takes a rare and freakish condition involving "metabolic and/or mitochondrial abnormalities."

Seriously? This is sad and depressing. Mitochondrial abnormalites???? Should I be on the lookout for Resident Evil 11: Rocco's Revenge? My brain is clearly going to mush, and sadness is taking over. Watch this space in the coming weeks for tonnes of bad emoetry and numerous Lydia from Beetlejuice quotes. Sigh.

All joking mancrushes aside, this is really too bad. As Rays' manager Joe Maddon says in the article: you're talking about a gifted athlete right here. A 26 year old that has been groomed for one thing his entire life, and now because his body has decided not produce enough ATP, his career may be over.

While Rocco may not have signed a DNR quite yet, those of us that love him know when the time has come to pull the plug. You know how we truly feel Rocco, you're the only one for us. Remember Rocco, you'll never walk alone.

Murphy's Law

I suppose Jesse Listch can now look forward to being the Jays fifth starter to begin this season. Casey Janssen has been lost for the year to a torn labrum. Janssen doesn't know when or how he hurt the shoulder but needless to say this is a bit of blow. He figured to be a key part of the staff this season, no matter what capacity it was in.

Janssen pitched in 70 games last season, going 2-3 with a 2.35 ERA. The Janssen injury isn't the way the Jays wanted to go into the season, which leaves fans wondering "could this be a sign of things to come?" I highly doubt it, but losing Janssen certainly does suck.

Through the Looking Glass

Quite an eventful day in the tedious build-up to real games. The important stuff is getting close, close enough to taste!

• An amazing site designed to debunk any and all myths regarding steroids and baseball. Required reading
  
• Josh Beckett chooses to gorge himself on Kobe beef at home, forgoes actual trip to Kobe
  
• Yankees - Rays go a round of handbags, mimic battle for third in the East this season
  
• DJF write something about Reed Johnson on a stall in the boys washroom, NY Post chump reads, posts on facebook
  
• Ichiro hitless in the Cactus League, at least one of the Four Horsemen has mounted up
  
• An old but interesting look at the ligament pimp of Birmingham

There is another news item that will be addressed later today, with the heaviest of hearts.

Chacin Loses Job He Never Had

In the most predictable story of the day, Jays manager John Gibbons announced that Gustavo Chacin has bony girl arms and won't be a member of the rotation when camp breaks (no word on whether or not he smells like an elephant's butt, only FAN morning show hacks know for sure.) This information was presented in a decidedly non-Blue Jays, straight forward manner. Which of course means it was known to be fact about three weeks ago by those that matter.

In a related news item, I've sadly been let go from my position writing for the New Yorker. It is tough to take at this stage of my fake career, but I relish the opportunity to improve my dick joke strength and location in the minor leagues.

This Chacin announcement comes on the heels of a missed start and more serious concerns about Casey Janssen's health. Luckily, Brandon League is throwing smoke and making believers out of everyone (else) thus far this spring. Merry Christmas Gingerfreakshow, you've fallen ass-backwards into a job.

But wait, there's less! Ol'Rusty Adams has been optioned to Triple A. Despite coming to camp looking like an extra from 300, Adams found it most difficult to bulk up the "baseball skill and ability" muscle group. The market for a jack-of-all-trades who lacks at each and every trade isn't too lively, so this looks like the end of Rusty's days shuttling between Toronto and Da Cuse. Shoulda been you, Inglett.

Holy Shit! Baseball on TV

Why would Sportsnet go to the trouble of broadcasting a Yankees intra-squad game?

I know that it has been said a million times, but Michael Kay and former Yankee X are unwatchable. They could barely stifle their laughter as they briefly touched on the Jays' new leadoff man, until they stumbled onto a juicy little factoid: Eckstein has two World Series rings.

THAT IS CORRECT MICHAEL KAY, YOU BRAYING MORON. THIS LITTLE WEASEL HAS TWO MORE RINGS THAN A-ROD, GIAMBI AND MUSSINA COMBINED! LUBE UP YOUR JETERBONER WITH STEINBRENNER'S TEARS!

Fuck I hate the Yankees. My favorite quote of the inning that I saw: "A lot of things have to go right for the Jays to pass the Red Sox or the Yankees this year." Is that so? I guess the Jays are heading into the season with two completely unproven rookies (both of whom missed time due to injury in their first attempt at a rookie season) and a nucleus that is older than time itself. These two (or any two YES drones) make Chuck Swirsky look like Bob Woodward.


UPDATE - YES, SUICIDE IS A VIABLE OPTION: Aaron Hill lashes double to right center, Former Yankee X (whom I believe to be John Flaherty) commends the Yankee centerfielder for his effort, informs mouth-breathing troglodytes viewing audience that he is a good defender. Way to go Aaron?

Yankees VEE Jays

Gustavo Chacin didn't do much today to show he should be the teams fifth starter. Yeah, it's spring training and I suppose these things happen, but he looked a little bit like an ass. He threw only two innings, allowing five hits and four earned runs while walking two and striking out one. It would have been 5 runs, however Vernon Wells gunned down Jose Molina at home to prevent Chacin's ERA from ballooning further.

Chien-Ming Wang on the other hand has thrown 3 scoreless innings, allowing only two hits in the process. Super Fag Alex Rodriguez victimized Chacin for a two run shot in the first which should be landing any time now. I felt like punching him through my TV screen but cooler heads prevailed.

The Jays fielded much of what could be their starting lineup this season. Matt Stairs is playing right field in place of Alex Rios and Shannon Stewart is out in left, though he very well may be the man come Opening Day. Vernon Wells just ripped an end-of-the-bat dribbler right back to Wang for the first out of the fourth, good shit. In his first at bat of the day, Frank Thomas hit a broken bat grounder to Rodriguez at third base, and in what seemed like an eternity, was eventually thrown out as part of a 5-4-3 double play. I'm quite sure even though it looked like he was running, Thomas was actually walking, or at least I sure hope he was. Oh well, I'm pretty happy to be watching this afternoon affair between the Jays and Yanks. There's still plenty of game left for the Jays to come back and beat the idiot Yankees.

Evidently Alex Rodriguez was quoted as saying he believes Derek Jeter will have an
MVP type season. He only wins MVP awards in the odd number years, so it's likely that this will be Jeter's year.

I have an idea. Alex Rodriguez should probably fuck off.